Carae's Touch (Long Line of Love, #4) Page 19

  "I found her attractive on sight, but I thought she was too young and so fought against the attraction."

  "Let me guess, you were going to admire her from afar?"

  He stared at her and then suddenly smiled. "Yes."

  "But?"

  He took a deep breath. "She had other ideas. The next time we were on the train at the same time, she asked me out. I said no, but she kept asking each time we encountered each other and I finally gave in. Once I had, things moved very quickly. The next thing I knew, I was in love with her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her." He paused and looked at her. "Do you want me to go on?"

  Yes, she'd known he was in love with her, but hearing the emotion in his voice as he discussed Rissa, gave Carae pause. Did she really want to know just how deeply he might still love her? "Yes," she said, nodding.

  "We were in love and I thought she was..."

  "Your sheenea?"

  "No. I didn't think she was. I knew she was. When I was with her, everything in my life seemed destined to soar. When we met, I was already making so much money that I had absolutely no money worries. Laura and I were friends with benefits."

  "Laura?"

  "The woman I spoke with at the Darkwater's party."

  "You weren't exclusive?"

  "No or I wouldn't have spent so much time talking to Rissa. I ended my relationship with Laura before I went out with Rissa."

  "Why, if your relationship wasn't exclusive?"

  "Because Laura deserved better and by that time, I had no interest in seeing anyone but Rissa. I've never been one of those men who needed or even wanted to date more than one woman at a time." He shrugged. "I liked Laura. Hell, I still like her. She's warm, sweet, and considerate. We had a physically satisfying relationship..."

  "But?"

  "But despite all that, I felt emotionally starved. Even as I knew I wanted more, I was afraid to allow myself to feel more."

  "Why?"

  "Because I saw firsthand how love can destroy someone. My wonderful mother loved and adored my father. Unfortunately, the devotion wasn't mutual. His years of cheating destroyed her and sent her to an early grave. Because she believed he was her sheenea, she wouldn't or couldn't divorce him and look for love with someone else. That's what I was afraid of when I was dating Laura. So even though I knew I could have fallen in love with her, I made sure I didn't."

  "And when you met Rissa?"

  "She made my fear of commitment seem ridiculous. I quickly realized my need to be with her was more powerful than my fear of being hurt. We both wanted marriage and kids. For the first time in my adult life, I allowed myself to believe that I could live happily ever after."

  "If you both wanted the same thing, what happened?"

  He shook his head and turned to stare out the window.

  "Brandon?"

  "We didn't necessarily want them in the same order. She wanted to be married before she got pregnant. I just wanted her to get pregnant."

  "And when she was?"

  He put a hand over his face. "She wanted to get married immediately."

  "But you didn't?"

  "I did want to marry her."

  "But?"

  "No butts, I just didn't need it to be as immediate as she did. I thought of how my father had destroyed my mother because she loved him so much and I had a moment of panic. I loved her and wanted to marry her. I just needed a little time, which she wasn't inclined to give me. Instead, she gave me an ultimatum: either I married her immediately or she was ending our relationship."

  "And?"

  He dropped his hand from his face and turned back to look at her. "I don't respond well to ultimatums. So even though I'd already bought the ring and fully intended to propose, I let her pack her bags and go back to her apartment. That was the biggest mistake of my life."

  Carae took a deep breath and felt tears prick her eyes, certain she was about to hear the circumstances of Rissa's murder. In a way that she couldn't explain or even understand, she felt a strange but strong affinity for her. She wanted to say something comforting to him, but her vocal chords locked with emotion.

  "I just needed a few days to cool off. When I called her three days later, she didn't answer. So I went to her apartment and found her..." he sucked in a breath, shook his head, and turned back to look out the window. "There was blood everywhere and she...she was dying...there was nothing I could do to...I tried, but I couldn't stop the bleeding...I couldn't do anything to help her...she died in my arms."

  With tears rolling down her cheeks, Carae rose and went to place her hand on his back.

  "Before she died, she told me the baby wasn't mine. I never got a chance to tell her that it didn't matter."

  She swallowed several times before she could speak. "What didn't matter?"

  "That the baby wasn't mine. I would have loved him or her anyway. I never got a chance to tell her that."

  He took a deep, shuddering breath before he turned to face her.

  Given the emotion she heard in his voice, the lack of even a hint of tears in his dark gaze surprised her.

  "You misunderstood her. She wasn't trying to tell you it wasn't your baby."

  "Yes she was. Her last words were: 'The baby...it's not yours.'"

  She shook her head. "You misunderstood. She thought about the baby and how horrible losing them both would be for you. She was afraid that you would blame yourself and she didn't want that. She couldn't hold on long enough to tell you that. Her words and thoughts were confused and you misunderstood what she was trying to say. You should know that she was desperate for me to make sure you understood."

  He stared at her in silence.

  She couldn't read the expression in his dark gaze. "She loved you and never strayed, Brandon. Neither did I. Her baby was yours." She took his hand and placed it on her belly. "And so is this one."

  "All this time I thought..."

  "What did you think?"

  "That my unwillingness to commit as fully as she needed me to had first driven her into another man's arms and then driven her back to her apartment where she was killed."

  "No. No, Brandon. She said she shared the blame for what happened."

  "No."

  "Yes. At least according to her. She said she regretted not having shown you more consideration."

  "No!"

  "That's what she wanted me to tell you. She said she knew when you started dating that you had issues and would need time to deal with them. She blamed herself for not giving you that time."

  "No! I don't care what she said. None of what happened was her fault. It was all my doing. I knew she wanted to get married before she got pregnant and I didn't care. I wanted what I wanted and I got it at her expense."

  "No, Brandon. She doesn't share that view. She is so sorry she didn't live long enough to tell you herself. She doesn't blame you for what happened and wants...needs you to stop blaming yourself. She needs you to move on so she can rest in peace."

  "She's not at peace?"

  "How can she be with you still hurting so badly?"

  He took a deep, shuddering breath and then dropped to his knees.

  "Brandon?" She kneeled in front of him.

  He closed his eyes. Within seconds, tears streamed down his face.

  When she caressed his cheek, he buried his head in her lap, taking, deep, gulping breaths that it hurt to hear.

  Certain that he still loved Rissa too deeply for her to ever be more than a consolation lover, she stroked his hair and shoulders while struggling to hold back tears of her own. By the time his grief passed, she felt totally devastated and hopeless.

  He sat up, wiping his damp cheeks. "I'm sorry about that. I..."

  She shook her head. "Don't be. You clearly needed to cry. It's all right." She rose and walked over to stare out her living room window.

  He followed, standing behind her. "I don't think it is all right for you. Please talk to me."

  She closed her eyes briefly before tur
ning to face him. "For the first time, I realize what I'm up against."

  "What do you mean?"

  "I knew you loved her, but I didn't realize how much...I didn't realize you still loved her enough to make it impossible for you to really love me."

  He shook his head. "That's just not true, Carae."

  "I think it is. I've never seen a man display such raw emotion. How can there be anything left over to feel for me?"

  He sighed. "I did love her more than any woman I'd ever met, until I met and fell for you."

  "I find that hard to believe."

  "Please don't misunderstand my display of grief. That was the first time I've cried."

  "Since her funeral?"

  "I didn't cry when she died in my arms and I didn't cry at her funeral. I've never cried for her before today."

  "Why?"

  "When she died in my arms, I felt as if part of me died with her. I felt so numb and guilty I couldn't cry for her. I thought that would change with time but it didn't. Not until today. My lack of proper grieving has created all kinds of problems for me and by extension my brothers. I did love her, but I love you too." He caressed her cheek. "I didn't think it was possible, but I actually love you more."

  "I wish I could believe that."

  "You can. I've never had to lie to get what I wanted from a woman. That hasn't changed. I'm saying I love you more because I do."

  She felt a faint ripple from Rissa and reluctantly decided to allow the subject to drop. "Where do we go from here, Brandon?"

  "Where does a couple in love go? On a picnic."

  "A picnic?"

  He nodded. "I didn't interrupt Max in the middle of the night just to get him to cook breakfast. I got him to prepare a whole picnic. Interested?"

  "Do you really love me, Brandon?"

  "I more than love you. I worship and adore you."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Absolutely."

  "No more reservations?"

  He shook his head. "I fell for you the moment I saw you and I've been falling ever since. Admitting it just felt a little disloyal to Rissa. I didn't want to do or say anything that might have appeared to belittle how important she was to me. I'm no longer willing to risk losing your interest for anything.

  "Had Rissa been alive when we met, she would have continued to command all my love, interest, attention, and devotion. I would never have sought you out that night. But she is dead, we met, and I love you madly."

  "I love you too."

  He inhaled slowly. "I know I don't deserve you any more than I did Rissa, but will you come on a picnic with me?"

  "When?"

  "Now."

  Her preference was to stay and talk, but he seemed gung ho for a picnic. "Yes. I will."

  He embraced her briefly before pressing a moist kiss against her neck. "Thank you."

  "If we're going on a picnic, I need to change out of my work clothes."

  "Can I wash my face first?"

  She nodded. "Yes. Of course."

  When she was alone in her bedroom, she closed the door. "Rissa? Are you there?" She asked in a whisper.

  Yes.

  "He didn't mean what he said about loving me more."

  Actually, he did and I couldn't be happier.

  "You're not upset?"

  Of course not. I'm dead. He's not and neither are you. You're perfect for each other. Love him and be happy.

  Carae frowned. "You almost sound as if this is goodbye."

  It is. I know he'll be fine with you. I can leave him in your care and keeping. Before I do, I need you to tell him that he mustn't blame himself for the manner in which your baby was conceived because it wasn't his fault.

  "Yeah? Well it certainly wasn't mine."

  No. It was mine.

  "What? You mean because you woke me up?"

  I woke you and kept him asleep.

  Carae shook her head. "You kept him asleep knowing he was nude and what would happen when I went into his room?"

  Yes, but only because I knew how much he needed the sexual release and I hoped you loved him as much as I did.

  "Why are you telling me this now?"

  Because I don't want there to be any lingering doubt in your mind that he was blameless. And I don't want you to fear that it might ever happen again.

  "How can you say that when he's sometimes impossible to wake...wait. Are you responsible for that too?"

  Yes. First it was a vain attempt to connect with him. Then it was an even vainer attempt to induce a healing sleep that would have helped him. But such things were best left to Declan's expertise. I've made what some would call unpardonable mistakes, but I hope you'll forgive me because you love him as much as I did.

  Carae swallowed hard and decided Rissa's behavior wasn't really as unforgivable as it should have been because she did love him.

  Please don't think too badly of me and tell him I said goodbye and be happy.

  Carae was surprised at the regret she felt. "I don't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm actually going to miss our talks."

  You'll have Brandon to keep you happy. May the spirits grant you both a long and happy life together. Goodbye, sheenea.

  "Goodbye, sheenea," she whispered, swallowing to dislodge a lump of emotion.

  When she returned to the living room, she found Brandon standing by the window. He turned and frowned. "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing. Why?"

  He crossed the room to wipe her cheeks. "You're crying."

  She considered divulging Rissa's part in their baby's conception but quickly decided against it. She had no wish to do or say anything that might mar his memories or opinion of her. She sighed. "Saying goodbye was harder than I expected it to be."

  "Saying goodbye to who?"

  "Your sheenea."

  "You're my sheenea, Carae."

  Oh, God. How wonderful to hear his words and to know he meant them. "I was saying goodbye to Rissa."

  He inhaled slowly. "Is she at peace?"

  "She is now. She wanted me to tell you goodbye and that she hopes you'll be happy with me, of course."

  He smiled, but then closed his eyes and swallowed before meeting her gaze. "Is she gone?"

  She nodded. "Yes."

  "I never got a chance to tell her how much I loved her or to ask for her forgiveness."

  "She knew you loved her and as far as she was concerned, there was nothing to forgive."

  "If only that were true."

  "She made it very clear that for her, it was true. She wishes you nothing but happiness."

  "I wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye and tell her how much she meant to me."

  "She knew, sweetie."

  He sighed. "Oh, God. I never deserved either one of you."

  "I disagree and I'm sure she would too." She slipped her arm through his. "Are you going to be all right?"

  "How can I not with you as my woman? You are my woman. Aren't you?"

  She nodded. "I've been yours for the taking the moment we met and I don't ever see that changing."

  "I hope not, Carae, because losing you to another man would destroy me."

  "That's not going to happen."

  "I don't know how you can sound so certain. Do you realize that when you're my age, I'll be—?"

  "You'll still be the man I love and adore."

  "Don't you have any reservations about the age difference?"

  "For the last time, no! Just so you know, my dad is twenty years older than my mom and she told me she loves him more than she did when they married. I expect that to happen with us."

  "Thank God." He kissed her quickly before taking her hand in his. "Let's go."

  "Where are we picnicking?"

  "I thought we could go for a ride on Blazer on Randall's property."

  She felt a tingle of excitement that he wanted to picnic at the site where they'd first made love. "Should I read anything into your wanting to picnic there?"

  "Absolutely," he said, sliding a h
and down to cup her ass. "Are you ready?"

  She nodded. "I'm ready to follow wherever you lead, sweetie."

  "Then let's go."

  Chapter Fourteen

  To Carae's surprise, they made the drive to the picnic in relative silence. Were regrets that he never got a chance to say goodbye to Rissa weighing on his mind? If so, would he admit it? If he didn't, how could she deal with something he wouldn't acknowledge?

  A man who had just admitted to loving her more than he'd loved the great love of his life, shouldn't be so morose. Yet he was.

  With the magnificent food that Max Stoner had prepared spread out before them and with Blazer grazing nearby, she found her appetite gone because she was suddenly afraid that no matter what he said, he would always love Rissa more than he did her.

  And she loved him too much to want to settle for Rissa's leftovers. She put down the fork she'd been using to push food around on her plate. "You're having second thoughts. Aren't you?"

  He put down the sandwich he'd only taken one bite from and stared at her. "About what?"

  "Loving me."

  "Of course not." He reached out to hold her hand. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. And before you ask, that includes Rissa. God, I loved her, but I love you even more."

  "Really? What would have happened had I not been so willing to chase your slippery ass down time after time and risk having my heart ruthlessly crushed under your big feet?"

  "Exaggerate much, brown eyes?"

  "Who's exaggerating?"

  "Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do."

  She sighed. "I know, sweetie."

  "I know I made things more difficult for you than I should have, but that was only because I was so afraid of hurting you. If it's any consolation, I would have seen the light sooner or later and pursued you."

  "I'm not so sure about that."

  "I am."

  "If you're not having second thoughts, why were you so quiet?"

  He caressed her stomach. "I'm wondering why you didn't tell me."

  "I did tell you."

  "Why didn't you tell me before today?"

  She eased her hand from his. "I had my reasons."

  "I'm sure you did. What were they?"

  "You know now. Isn't that all that matters?"

  "I'd really like to know your reasons for not telling me sooner."