Yours and Yours Alone Read online

  “It’s all right then.”

  “You’re okay with my keeping his baby?”

  “His baby? You’re my wife. There’s no need for him to know. You just found out yesterday when we made love. We’ll raise it as ours.”

  She blinked. “Wait. What? Are you suggesting that I not tell him?”

  “Yes. We both want a baby and now we’ll have another chance to have one. There’s no need for him to know anything.”

  “No! He has a right to know.”

  “Right. Are we discussing rights? What right did he have not only to sleep with another man’s wife but to come inside her? He ejaculated inside you. More than once. I give as much fuck about his so-called right as he did my right not to have him sleep with you! I’ll forgive you and we’ll raise the baby as ours.”

  “No!”

  “No what? You’re not staying with me?”

  “I’m going to tell him I’m pregnant.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he has a right to know! I know he’d want to know and I can’t do that to him.”

  “Oh. You can’t do that to him but you had no problem breaking your marriage vows and hurting me.”

  “You didn’t deserve my infidelity. I know that, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have to tell him he’s going to be a father.”

  “No. You don’t. Make up your damn mind, Kania. Please. I love you, damnit. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? I love you and I’m willing to forgive you. All I’m asking is that you let me raise the baby as ours.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t do that to him. I can’t. I’ll stay with you and work to regain your trust, but I will not hurt him like that.”

  “You won’t hurt him? Did it ever occur to you when you were having sex with him and allowing him to come inside you that you were hurting me? Or do you care more about his feelings than you do mine? Is that what I’m supposed to get from this damned conversation?”

  “No, but...”

  “But what? I’m asking...I’m begging you to do this one thing for me. I can’t lose you to him.”

  “I’ll stay with you and I won’t stray again, but I’m not going to pretend that this baby isn’t his.”

  “Fine. We’ll tell him when the baby is born.”

  “No. I’m going to tell him before he leaves California.”

  “And when is that?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  He shook his head. “If our marriage means anything to do at all, you won’t do that, Kania. You’re going to have to choose whose feelings are more important to you. The man who loves you enough to forgive you or the one who fucked you raw and then walked away leaving you pregnant.”

  “That’s not exactly what happened.”

  “Isn’t it? Did you ask him to leave?”

  She shook her head.

  “So he walked away and left you pregnant. It’s me or him, Kania. Choose wisely because I won’t forgive another transgression, no matter how much I love you.”

  AFTER CARRYING HIS luggage down to the foyer of Braden and Neida’s California home, Raven opened the door, and then stepped back in surprise. Kania stood on the other side with her hand near the doorbell. He glanced behind her. The driveway was clear and the gate closed. How the hell had she gotten in?

  “Kania.”

  She shook her head. “Oh, please don’t call me that, Raven.”

  “It’s your name,” he reminded her.

  “You only call me Kania when you’re angry or annoyed with me.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I needed to talk to you.”

  “You’ve left it a little late. I’m on my way to the airport.”

  “Okay. I’ll come back when you return from Philly.”

  “I’m not returning. I’m going home for good.”

  “Home? You said Philadelphia didn’t feel like home.”

  “Home is where all the people who love me live. That’s the Philadelphia area.”

  “Not all of the people who love you live there, Raven.”

  Although her meaning was clear, he’d already decided he needed to forget her. Period. “Why are you here, Kania?”

  She shook her head. “You’re going to make this as hard as possible for me, aren’t you?”

  He steeled himself against weakening at the clear sadness in her voice and gaze. He glanced at his watch. “I have about an hour before I need to leave.”

  “Can I come in?”

  He stepped back.

  She glanced at his luggage. “You were leaving without saying good-bye?”

  “I think we’ve said all we needed to say to each other. And I promised I wouldn’t do anything more to interfere in your marriage. So yes, I had no intentions of contacting you again.”

  She sucked in a breath. “I was hoping you’d be happy to see me.”

  “Say what you want and then I need to leave.”

  “It took a lot for me to come here. Can I sit down?”

  “Just say what you want, Kania.”

  “So that’s a no? You’re going to force me to confess standing in the foyer as if I don’t mean anything to you?”

  Fuck her and her emotional blackmail. He turned and walked down the hall to the living room. He shoved open the door and back at her.

  She walked down the hall and reached out to him.

  He stepped back. “Have a seat if you like.”

  She entered the room and glanced around.

  He realized she was seeing it for the first time since Braden had purchased it after she ended their relationship.

  After a moment, she crossed the room to sit on the sofa.

  He moved into the room and walked over to the bar. “Would you like a drink?”

  She shook her head.

  He glanced at his watch again and arched a brow.

  “Hank came back Thursday.”

  “And?”

  “And he said he loved me and forgave me. He insisted we work on our marriage.”

  “And?”

  “And I...said yes.”

  He stared at her. “If you’ve come to tell me you’re staying with him, do us both a favor and get the fuck out before I lose my shit and tell you what I really think of you.”

  “I’m guessing that’s nothing complimentary.”

  “You’re guessing right. Now please make your damn point because I swear I cannot take any more of your shit.”

  He watched tears form in her eyes. “How can you talk to me like this?”

  “I can do it because I am sick and tired of your utter disregard for my feelings. I don’t give a fuck how much you deny it, you’ve always known I was in love with you. And you lead me on, knowing you loved him and would never leave him. You used me, you silly...”

  “Bitch? Go ahead. Say it. It won’t be the first time you’ve called me a bitch.”

  He inhaled slowly before he spoke again. “You silly twit. Now you expect me to be kind? Fuck you, Kania.”

  She placed a hand over her mouth as tears trickled down her face. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Well you did, damnit! And I told you I’d had enough and I was done.”

  “I’m sorry. Coming here was a mistake. I won’t hold you up any longer.” She wiped her cheeks, rose, and hurried from the room.

  He told himself to stay strong and let her go. But he couldn’t. He followed her down the hall and placed a hand on the door as she struggled to open it.

  She sobbed and pressed her forehead against it.

  He placed his other hand on the door and leaned down to speak close to her ear. “What the fuck do you want from me, woman? You want to shred what’s left of my heart?”

  “I’m...sorry...so sorry...”

  Afraid he’d lose control and hug her, he quickly stepped away from her.

  She turned to face him with tears streaming down her face.

  “Did you come to tell me you’re staying with him?”

  She shook her head and g
ulped in several breaths before speaking again. “I was going to—”

  “Did you sleep with him?”

  “He’s my husband, Raven.”

  He knew he had no right to be hurt, angry, or jealous. Yet he felt all three emotions. “So you slept with him.”

  “Yes, damn you, I slept with him! Satisfied?”

  “Then what the god damn fuck are you doing here? What do you want from me, damn it? You want to rip what’s left of my self-respect from me?”

  “I’m pregnant, you arrogant fuck! I think it happened the first time you came inside me.”

  The realization that another man would be raising his child quickly overshadowed his first rush of joy. But at least she wasn’t contemplating an abortion. She was having his baby and he’d just behaved like a complete ass. “You’d better come back into the living room.”

  She shook her head. “You’ve made your opinion of me perfectly clear. I think any further communications should be handled by our lawyers.”

  He sighed, laughed, and then shook his head. “What the fuck do you expect? I poured my heart out to you. I ignored all my moral codes to pursue you. I begged you to divorce him. You shot down all my attempts to make our relationship something that we didn’t need to be ashamed of. And now you come to tell me you’re pregnant with my baby but staying with him. So excuse the hell out of me for not playing nice anymore.”

  “That is not what I came to tell you, you condescending ass!”

  “You said you took him back and you’re pregnant. So what am I missing?”

  “When I came here, I...it wasn’t to tell you that I was staying with him. I wanted to be with you. I have from the first night you showed up at Cari’s party. But I felt a moral obligation to try to make my marriage work. That’s why I slept with him...But every second... felt like...I kept my eyes closed and pretended it was you inside me. It didn’t help. I knew it was him and I hated every second. I kept my hands clenched into fists to keep from pushing him off me. And when he was asleep, I went into the bathroom and ...I didn’t want his seed inside me so I...

  “But I was going to stay with him...until I told him I was pregnant and he suggested...”

  “That you abort the baby?”

  “No! He wanted to keep the baby and raise it as ours...without telling you.”

  Raven experienced a surge of rage greater than any he’d ever felt. “And?”

  “And obviously I didn’t agree or I wouldn’t be here learning what you really think of me.”

  He closed his eyes briefly and raked his hands through his hair before meeting her gaze. “I know I have no one to blame but myself, but you’ve shattered my heart. You let me think I had a chance with you and then—”

  “I always told you I didn’t want a divorce, Elkhorn.”

  “Yeah, while encouraging me to come inside you. Actions, Kania. Actions. So I think I can be forgiven for not quite believing you at first.”

  “I never wanted to hurt you, Raven. Never.”

  “But you have...more than I thought possible.”

  “I know now coming here was a mistake. But if I hadn’t come, I wouldn’t know how little you really think of me.”

  “Oh, fuck, Kania. I’m hurt and angry. And like lots of people, I say thinks intended to hurt when I’m hurt.”

  “So it’s my fault you have no self-control and such poor command of English that you have to resort to vulgar language to make a point?”

  “You’re right.” He sighed. “I give you my word, that will not happen again.”

  “Your word isn’t worth shit, Elkhorn.” She turned and opened the door.

  He crossed the hall to push it shut.

  She took several breaths before turning to look up at him.

  The look of hurt in her gaze, felt like a kick to his gut. “Oh, fuck. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

  “You know what I came to tell you? That when he insisted I not tell you, I told him that I couldn’t do that to you. He accused me of caring more about hurting you than I did him. And you know what?”

  “Let me guess. He was wrong.”

  “No, damn you, Elkhorn, he was not wrong! He was right. When I accepted that, I admitted something I should have known all along.”

  “And what is that?”

  She shrugged. “I’m in love with you.”

  “What now?”

  “The moment I turned and saw you at the party...I felt these...crush of emotions...surprise, joy, pleasure...delight. I was so happy to see you, my insides felt knotted with...happiness. And when you smiled at me...it was game over.”

  “How the fuck can you only be telling me this now?”

  “I’m married. Remember? And I was so afraid of turning into my mother, that I drove you away.”

  He blew out a breath. “You’re in love with me, but you’re staying with him? How is that supposed to make me feel better?”

  “What the fuck is wrong with you, Elkhorn? I didn’t just come to tell you I’m pregnant. I came to tell you I told him I want a divorce. When he knew he couldn’t change my mind, he moved to a hotel. He’s not going to make getting a divorce easy, but our marriage is over. If I hadn’t been so caught up on not being like my mother, I would have known it was over the first time you made love to me. It was almost a spiritual sensation. I felt a depth of emotion I’ve never experienced with anyone else. It was like...my heart just opened up and let you rush in and fill in with joy, delight, and utter happiness.” She extended her left hand.

  He stared at it and noticed for the first time that her engagement and wedding ring had been replaced by the engagement ring he’d bought her. She reached into her blouse and lifted a chain into view. It held the gold key he’d had made for her.

  “I’m sorry I took so long to realize and admit how I feel about you. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am so in love with you, Raven Elkhorn. More in love than I’ve ever been with anyone else. And if you ask me if that includes Braden, I swear, I’ll knee you in the family jewels. I loved him, but I love you more. So much more I ache. I let him go, but I couldn’t let go and I couldn’t say no to you because I love you so damn much.

  “I was actually on my way to see you Thursday when Hank arrived unexpectedly.”

  “Today is Saturday. What took you so damn long?”

  “It was two damn days, Elkhorn.”

  “Two long, damn days, Jamison.”

  She sighed, shaking her head. “I felt like I owed him another chance. I know I hurt him and I’m sorry. But I finally realized if one of you had to be hurt, I didn’t want it to be you.”

  “Oh, God!” He closed his eyes and sank onto the floor, leaning his head back against the door.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “RAVEN?”

  He opened his eyes to find her kneeling in front of him. “Please. Please tell me that this isn’t another damn nightmare.”

  “You in the habit of dreaming about me, Elkhorn?”

  “All the damn time.”

  “And you consider such dreams nightmares?”

  “Yes—when I wake and find you’re still in love with him.” He leaned forward to place his head against her shoulder. “I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t mean them. I did, but only because I wanted to hurt you...make you feel something real for me.”

  She stroked her fingers through his hair. “I have always had feelings for you—even when I was in love with Braden...a part of me...you have always owned a piece of my heart. Then it was just a sinful sliver that I couldn’t acknowledge. Now I can no longer deny that you own the hold damn thing.”

  He lifted his head and met her gaze. “The whole thing?”

  She sighed and then shrugged. “Well, I think I’ve already admitted Braden will always own a piece of it, but now he has the tiniest of slivers. But there are no romantic feelings attached to that sliver. You have the other 99 99/100 percent of it.” She pressed her fingers against his lips. “That is if you
can forgive me and still want me.”

  “I don’t just want you. It’s never been about want. It’s always been need. All the years I watched you with Bray, trying to steel myself for the day when you would be my sister-in-law and be forever out of my reach. For me, it’s always been about love and need. Never just physical desire.

  “I’m sorry for the things I said, cher. Can you forgive me?”

  “I love you, Raven Elkhorn. I can forgive you for almost anything. You know when I read your letter, I cried and I...and the thought of never seeing you again was almost more than I could bare.”

  “Then you can imagine some of what I felt writing it thinking I’d never hold or touch you again. But knowing I’d always love you.” He touched the ring on her finger. “Do you like it?”

  “I love it.”

  “Great. Can I assume you’re planning to marry me?”

  “I will, if you’ll have me...knowing all my faults and flaws—”

  “Let’s not discuss your imaginary faults.”

  “They’re all too real, Raven. Even if you don’t know it, Hank certainly does.”

  “He bought this on himself.”

  She sighed and shook her head. “I really hurt him, Raven. He cried and begged me to give our marriage another chance. He said we’d co-parent the baby with you, but by then I knew I couldn’t stay with him because I’d never stop thinking about you.

  “Three weeks ago all I thought I wanted was for my marriage to work, now all I want is to be with you. And part of me doesn’t care that I’m hurting him to accomplish that. And I should care because he really is a good man.”

  “Then God willing, he’ll fall in love again.”

  “But what if he doesn’t? What if I’ve done to him what my mother did to my father? What if he never loves again?”

  “Are you having second thoughts about leaving him?”

  “I should, but I’m not. I’m just disappointed to find how like my mother I am.”

  “Your concern for him is a testament that you are a good woman, cher. But as mom said, sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. And mine not only wants you, it needs you to have any semblance of happiness. And if your heart wants me—”

  “There’s no if about it, Elkhorn. I have never wanted or needed any man the way I do you.”